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Was there much pain?
I'm thinking about your heart
And how you tailored it to fit me.

I'm thinking about your eyes as I force myself to look at his.
Little specks against the wall that I could mindlessly sweep away
Like crumbs with the back of my hand.

Your eyes are stars.
They blink in the dark and light up when I look into them.

I'm thinking about your lips as I force myself to pay
Attention to what's sliding out of his.
A throat hit by the fingers of Chopin.

I will never admit your voice
Like the cold sleet of November
Makes my ears want to fold as summer flowers do.

Because your voice makes the coloured leaves
Drop beside my own dying petals
And I feel like a part of something beautiful.

I'm thinking about the skin that covers your cheekbones
As I try to say something that will cause his to darken.
But I'm beginning to think they came frozen in a bag.

Your cheeks are windows.
They fog when I breathe too closely and roll up to retain the warmth.

I'm thinking about your laugh as I resist recoiling from his.
Pulling his tongue is what makes those groaning noises in the night
To which my hands protect me with suffocating blankets.

Your laugh is a poem.
One Shakespeare wishes he could have written.

I'm thinking about your arms as his move like Ken's.
Too bent and hollow to properly hold someone
Though his Barbie is probably satisfied to be untouched.

I will never admit your arms
Like the cold sleet of November
Make my body want to fold as summer flowers do.

Because your arms stop the earth's rotation
From spinning me out of control
And I feel like a part of something solid.

I'm thinking about how he swept away the stars
As though they were crumbs
And how he raked away the leaves for money.

I'm thinking about how he drained your blood
And sold you to the night.
How he read to you Shakespeare.

I'm thinking about how he made cogs from your bones
And fed them to the hungry world.

I'm thinking about how he skinned you
And tailored the suit.
Was there much pain?
I'm thinking about how I should be thinking about something else.



Entry for :iconlive-love-write:'s Weekly Writing Prompt.

Also :iconthewrittenrevolution:

I would love critique on the specific metaphors and how it all ties together. ^^
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:iconmisswhim:
misswhim Featured By Owner May 20, 2010
I love the creativity of each metaphor as it is stated so that it flows and grabs the reader's attention. Very unique word choice, pretty and poignant. I think I have a soft spot for your poetry in general ^^
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:iconqueenofrelax:
queenofrelax Featured By Owner May 20, 2010
aww, thank you very much!
that really means a lot to me<333
Reply
:iconblucrimson:
blucrimson Featured By Owner May 15, 2010
An awesome piece!:D
Really enjoyed the read!
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:iconqueenofrelax:
queenofrelax Featured By Owner May 15, 2010
oh thank you very much!
i'm so happy you enjoyed it<3
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:iconblucrimson:
blucrimson Featured By Owner May 16, 2010
You're welcome...:iconblackheartplz:
Reply
:iconlhene-amira:
Lhene-Amira Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2010  Student Writer
There's something in this poem that just pulls on the heart. The meaning slips in and out of the mind in such a way that I understand, unconsciously, what's happening and what the emotions are, but it's vague enough that the reader has to look carefully.

Very nice.
Reply
:iconqueenofrelax:
queenofrelax Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2010
Oh wow, thank you so very much!
I'm really happy you felt from this ^^
Reply
:iconlhene-amira:
Lhene-Amira Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2010  Student Writer
You're very welcome! I enjoyed reading it.
Reply
:iconmanonsi:
manonsi Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2010   Writer
Wow!! Amazing!! You are one skilled writer :) great job!! ^^
:meow:
Reply
:iconqueenofrelax:
queenofrelax Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2010
Oh my, thank you so very very much! ♥
Reply
:iconmanonsi:
manonsi Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2010   Writer
you're very welcommee!! =D seriously loved it ^^
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:iconqueenofrelax:
queenofrelax Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2010
:hug:
Reply
:iconsora-seraph:
Sora-Seraph Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
I absolutely adore how you fit everything together in the end - it was crescendo and constraint, a perfectly balanced piece of something beautiful. Fantasmalicious work! :love:
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:iconqueenofrelax:
queenofrelax Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2010
Aw, thank you so very much! :heart:
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:iconsora-seraph:
Sora-Seraph Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

Mon dieu, I still adore this poem. (: Such lovely work!

One very small note of critique: Looking back, I feel like the line "He read to you Shakespeare" is pretty awkward. Would you consider changing it to "He read you to Shakespeare"? Does it still convey the meaning you intended if you change it like that?
Reply
:iconqueenofrelax:
queenofrelax Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2010
Aww, thank you so very much!

And I don't think it means the same thing ... what you suggested is that he read the guy to Shakespeare, which sounds kind of funny haha and the way I have it means he read Shakespeare to the guy. Hmm does that make sense? Haha but I've been told that part sounds weird ^^;
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:iconxiodinex:
xiodinex Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2010  Student Writer
Garghhh, can't do critique cause it couldn't get any better xD
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:iconqueenofrelax:
queenofrelax Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2010
Oh thank you very much! ^^ :blushes:
Reply
:iconxiodinex:
xiodinex Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2010  Student Writer
Aha, yay for modesty =D
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:iconqueenofrelax:
queenofrelax Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2010
Ehe D<
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:iconkaz-d:
Kaz-D Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
You have been featured in Love Lit Issue Five!!! If you like the article, please favourite it by clicking the green button in the corner, and pass the article on to get your work more exposure! Well done :)
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:iconqueenofrelax:
queenofrelax Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2010
Oh wow, thank you very much! :D
Reply
:iconjez123:
Jez123 Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2010  Student Writer
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

I'll be honest here, you lost me during some of this. I was fading in and out, between understanding and being completely stupified. I'm not exactly sure what it was about, but it's also interesting enough that i don't want to let go of the chance to find that out for myself, so i'm continuing to reread this over and over again until i understand it. It's addicting, yet somewhat confusing.
And i love it like that.
If i can never figure it out, i'll be sure to ask for your help XD I bet it'd be a ton better if i actually had a clue, hm? :P
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:iconqueenofrelax:
queenofrelax Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2010
Ehehhe take your time? xD
I'm glad it has your interest, at least.
I'm actually not quite sure what to say to this ... haha.
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:iconjez123:
Jez123 Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2010  Student Writer
It's fine, since it's interesting XD
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:iconthemaideninblack:
TheMaidenInBlack Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2010
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

From a certain point onwards, you seem to change tone, and although that change is in accordance to the conclusion, it seemed a bit weird to read; imagery is beautiful and coherent, my favourite stanza was

"Your cheeks are windows.
They fog when I breathe too closely and roll up to retain the warmth."


:heart: Flawless.
Reply
:iconqueenofrelax:
queenofrelax Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2010
Mhm I wondered if that part was too abrupt. Thank you so very much for your opinion! I'm glad you liked that part. :hug:
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:iconthemaideninblack:
TheMaidenInBlack Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2010
My pleasure, of course. :)
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:iconjenu1:
Jenu1 Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2010
Absolutely stunning. Beautiful use of metaphor. I love this one!
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:iconqueenofrelax:
queenofrelax Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2010
Thank you very much (:
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:iconjenu1:
Jenu1 Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2010
Indeed, I really enjoyed it!
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:icondemon-polecat:
demon-polecat Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2010
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

I really loved the bit about the stars and the sweeping - I thought it was really subtle the way it came back at the end. I thought you managed to use the "cold like November sleet" really efficiently, so it meant different things each time.

There were just a couple of bits of wording I might change. Firstly "How he read to you Shakespeare." - I'd take out the 'to', but that's personal aesthetic choice.

Also, "I'm thinking about how he made cogs from your bones
And fed them to the hungry world."

I'm not sure about feeding *cogs* to a hungry world. Something about that sounds strange.

But yeah, good job!
Reply
:iconqueenofrelax:
queenofrelax Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2010
Thank you very much!
The feeding of cogs represents machine parts to run the world as in society, not the planet ... if that makes sense. Either way I don't mind. (:
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:icondemyxsx6xwrongxnotes:
DemyxsX6XWrongXNotes Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2010
Just...


Wow.
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:iconqueenofrelax:
queenofrelax Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2010
Thank you :blushes:
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:icondemyxsx6xwrongxnotes:
DemyxsX6XWrongXNotes Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2010
You're welcome(:
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:iconunderworldriver:
underworldriver Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
hm, Delightful in use of metaphors as they're were many used here. They all work cohesively. When put together they make all the sense this needs to be understood. The conclusive verse was also executed very well. Wraps up this piece perfectly with the metaphor that brought this piece to life. :heart:

:iconthewrittenrevolution:
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:iconqueenofrelax:
queenofrelax Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2010
Thank you so very much :love:
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:iconunderworldriver:
underworldriver Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
you're welcome!
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:iconnono-footballic:
nono-footballic Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2010
I love the metaphors, the imagery and the awesome description. But i am not sure who or what are you talking about, i have something in mind but i really don't think it is what you meant.It is probably because i am too sleepy to think.
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:iconbetwixtthepages:
betwixtthepages Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm thinking about how he skinned you
And tailored the suit.
Was there much pain?


I love that ending, the twist was unexpected but perfectly done. Excellent work!
Reply
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